Silhouettes of reason,
shimmering,
next to sun-scorched
melodies of life.
One minute,
a bask in the sun,
and
the next,
the smell of searing skin.
A thin red line,
traversing its way
through
infinite darkness,
with only,
the wretched hope of life
for company,
writhing
wriggling
bleeding
to make it redder.
Who stepped over the line?
I wonder.
Was it me,
or my
wakefulness?
The greed for another
short-lived breath?
A mesmerized moment of
strangled survival?
Or my choice
of choosing
the charade,
over
the
chiseled sculpture of ashes?
This picture by Thomas Hawk was Nathan's prompt last week.While many people saw the picture as two separate individuals, I saw them as two identities of the same person, exactly the same except for their colour, the difference between them brought about by crossing over just a thin red line. What do you think? Does the idea come across? What do you think about the way I've used breaks and words in the poem? Please do leave your comments under the comments section. Thank you.
Beautifully done..and yes, you did a great job getting the point across of them being just one being - the before and after. We all tread a razor's edge...
ReplyDeleteHi Amulya,
ReplyDeleteThe poem's beauty shines through. Since you ask about words, I think "traversing its way
through
infinite darkness," could be written as two, three word lines and
"with only,
the wretched hope of life" doesn't need the comma but that is me being petty!
I love the last lines:
"choosing
the charade,
over
the
chiseled sculpture of ashes"
I liked the imagery, but missed your meaning. from "one minute...smell of searing skin....writhing bleeding...who stepped over the line...short lived breath...strangled survival" I got a shoot-out or duel.
ReplyDeletehttp://briarcat.wordpress.com
I really like your lines:
ReplyDeleteA mesmerized moment of
strangled survival?
_____
Paul Oakley
Blogging his ReadWritePoem poems at
Inner Light, Radiant Life
I do get the idea of the two as one, before and after; it comes across well. I also perceive at the end the illusive search for redemption. I like your breaks and choice of language. Since you asked for feedback, my one suggestion would be to start with an image rather than a prepositional phrase that is abstract/conceptual, more something to anchor me right away in the poem. Maybe even a solitary figure?
ReplyDeleteI liked your poem and the vivid images you presented. The silhouettes of reason are always making questionable choices. Great insight!
ReplyDeleteA delightful read. The final question is one without answer, I think.
ReplyDeletewow...nicely done...some great poems this week...The thin red line..might be my favorite read..thansk for sharing
ReplyDeleteMuch to ponder about..
ReplyDeletelet the red bleed
@Cynthia
ReplyDelete@Wayne Pitchko
@Linda
@Tumblewords
@Paul Oakley
- Thank you all for being so generous with your compliments. There's no better feeling than having someone understand what you are trying to say :)
@Derrick- Thank you Derrick. There's never anything petty about positive criticism.
@briarcat- Oopsie!! Yeah, I can see what you mean. Guess, I need to work on the balance between abstraction and meaningfulness.
@davidmoolten- Thank you for your time and thought. Yeah, I have gotten into this habit of starting poems with phrases that are conceptually driven. Will try to keep that in mind the next time and try something different.
@Gautami- Thank you for reading the poem and leaving behind your words. Hope the pondering I have caused is constructive :)
"Chiseled sculpture of ashes" is such a powerful image to end with.
ReplyDeleteand the tide waves in to my life, slipping off the sand beneath my feet.. yet i stand and watch the sun quiver down in to his home... i sink, i sink, and down i go.. looking for that pearl i knew... she wades in again, in to my life... i dont want to surface again this life.. don't want to let the meanders go... don't want to see the hard scathing shore, but i forget what i had sunk for...
ReplyDeletehey butter... caught you! oh in case you don't know who it is... the arrows concept in my poem a long long time ago... its more enhanced now...